Last year I wrote about the inaugural Holy Body Day.   This year, there’s a facebook page.  I considered joining my friend and colleague, Susan Freeman, in her QiCoach Spring Detox… but it wasn’t feeling more like a “good idea” than inspired action.

I love the comment left by Kathy Loh, of Full Moon Path, on last year’s post, referencing Joseph Cambell’s idea that the mind is all about doing, while the body is about experiencing.  The Presence of Body tag line, Lusty Lives Whatever the Size, is all about experiencing all the juiciness there is to experience in this lifetime.

I’ve been playing/exploring/ discovering in the realm of conscious eating since I read The Psychologist’s Eat-Anything Diet  by Leonard and Lillian Pearson (now out-of-print) in 1974, shortly after several weeks on the original Atkins program which I ended with a fruit binge in the height of summer.  Who could resist?

As part of my Countdown to 60! project, I’ve been feeling a hunger for deepening my experience of conscious eating, to see where the boundaries of the familiar territory are, and to explore beyond them.  I invite you to join me.  We start tomorrow.

It’s that time of year… coming up on a birthday … that has me reflecting on what the past year has brought, and what it is I want to create in the next year.

It’s a “9″ year, packing an extra punch. Looking ahead not just to what I want to create in the next year, but to who I am becoming… and how do I want to arrive at 60.

I’m haunted – maybe too dark a word – by a conversation I had with a friend a few months ago.  Facing a divorce not of his choosing, his comment was, “if I’d known a year and a half ago that the problems we were having would be fatal to the marriage, I might have made some different choices.” 

 Not so profound, perhaps.  And yet, I am haunted the impact of it.  And the question about where in my life is  the becoming wanting more intention, less unconsciousness?   The gremlins jump in!  ever-ready to take advantage of the vulnerability.  “Fix this!  Fix that!  They bring out the tried-and-true weapons of the “problems”  I have “struggled” with for years.

The Beckoning of my Becoming is smarter than to fall for their old tricks.  This is not the time for the masculine, strategic, make-it-happen energy.  Action, yes.  Commitment, yes.  Inspired action that arises out of the commitment to the continuous unfolding, the  beauty of my becoming.

I’m a bit at a loss for words and yet, how can I have had this opportunity to visit Ken Wilber in his loft and not blog about it?

Brilliant.  But that hardly needs to be said.  I experienced Ken Wilber as a warm and gracious man. Eager for our questions, encouraging about our projects.  Teacher with a capital “T”, and yet, without the guru/devotee dynamic.

As for the rest, here are just some snippets that were most inspiring to me:

We are living in an extraordinary period of history, a transformative time in the evolution of our culture.  There is no mistake that we are waking up into a global awareness, and growing up into a global consciousness  at a time when the challenges that we face are global challenges.

Yes, we feel humility and gratitude for being alive to witness this transformation, and working with this moment.  And, there is no place for false humility.

We MUST share what we know in order to flourish.  Without that, we will experience of a “sickness of the soul.”

Detox Adventure: T-1

When I first read Matrix Energetics, I was intrigued by the idea of morphic fields, and how we interact with them in a way that shapes us, and we strengthen them.  In particular, I recognized that there is a strong morphic field around how we are with food, weight and body image in this culture.  The thoughts, beliefs and constructs about what we should and shouldn’t eat, how we should move, the standards of beauty are all a part of, and supported by the energy we add to the morphic field on a daily basis.

Really, what’s exciting to me is the idea that by being aware of all that, and shifting just a little, we can re-shape the morphic field and change the culture.  Like a monkey inspired to wash a sweet potato on a remote island in the South Pacific. So, one of my intentions in changing the structures around food for a few days is to become aware of the thoughts, reactions, and beliefs that result from being outside my comfort zone.

“The Last Supper” is one of the games people play when engaging in the binge/deprivation cycle that is yo-yo dieting.  It’s the last indulgent eating before the pattern of denial starts, the feast before the famine.  As I’ve noticed experiencing hunger more frequently in the past few days, I’ve also noticed the part of me that’s afraid of  the hunger to come.  The part of me that wants to avoid discomfort.  The part that wants a big ol’ burger and fries for lunch today.

It brings to mind the stories around set-points and metabolism and what happens in the yo-yo dieting cycle and God knows, I don’t want to reinforce that.  Clever little gremlin.

My “last supper” is really lunch, as dinner the night before is part of the proscribed program.  I have a standing lunch appointment with a group of people, and word is that a local brewpub is on the agenda.  Great burgers and sweet potato fries. Sweet potatoes!  Right there on the menu to remind me what I am about:  inspired by the clarity of my desires to shift my behavior, and by doing so, impact the morphic field. 

Hmm… am I the monkey in this scenario?   What’s your inner monkey noticing today that will allow the morphic field to shift?

Talking on the phone with Dharma Buddy last week prior to his return to Colorado for three and a half weeks, he suggested that we do the Lemonade Master Cleanse.  For those not familiar with this extreme fast/diet, it means consuming nothing but lemonade with cayenne pepper and maple syrup for days on end.  Supposedly very health-enhancing. 

“No frickin’ way!” was my knee-jerk response.  We talked a bit, and I agreed to consider it.

I slept on it, and journaled, and pondered – and, to be honest, recruited evidence from several friends that  I did not want to do this.  The next day as I was getting ready to eat lunch, I noticed that my salad – normally a nourishing delight – was not all that appealing.  It was 11°F and snowing outside, and I wanted something warm and comforting like soup.  I imagined the prospect of only lemonade, and suddenly my salad was much more interesting.  I sent off an email to DB with a counter suggestion. 

Which is how I got myself into this: a seven-day detox starting on Saturday.  Already, I’ve eliminated alcohol and caffeine, and cut down on wheat, dairy and meat – mostly without physical symptoms. 

What has started to show up are some old patterns I thought I had “handled”.  Last night I was hungry later in the evening, and noticed that it felt like more than just physical hunger – there were the added tinges of desperation and craving that I have only experienced when restricting food.  Are there little beasties in my GI system that are not getting fed the way they are used to?

I declared up front that this is not about weight loss for me; it’s about exploring what my attachments and assumptions are, to be curious and fascinated by what shows up, to try out a different way of eating. 

And already, this morning, I woke up unusually hungry. My impulse was to jump on the scale, and I noticed that the number wasn’t particularly satisfying.  Noticing the patterns of thoughts and beliefs and responses.  I could commit to not weighing myself, and that feels like a closing down, when what I’m wanting now is to open to it all, to experience it all, and be curious and fascinated by it all.

I’m a little late to the party with this #best09 blog challenge – and after considering how I want to play this, I decided to do a few of the items all on one day.

Best Trip: San Diego
Any trip to the ocean is a treat for me; add in a great group rate at the Hotel del Coronado,  a Matrix Energetics Whizards Workshop and three days of  “beach, eat, sleep, repeat…”  punctuated by the occasional mojito and I had all the ingredients of the holiday I had been yearning for.   Something alchemical happened; a subtle shift that I really only noticed in retrospect as I returned home and found myself inspired to actions that continue to surprise me.

Best Book: The Physics of Miracles: Tapping in to the Field of Consciousness Potential
I may have fallen down the rabbit hole, but man, is it fun!  I read Matrix Energetics a couple years ago and recognized that there was something in this “consciousness technology” that resonated strongly with me.  Dr. Richard Bartlett’s latest book, The Physics of Miracles, has helped me to open up my vision, my expansion, my manifestations personally and professionally.   As I’ve been learning the “not-doing” of Matrix Energetics, I’ve seen profound shifts in what I’m allowing and creating in my own life.  As I’ve integrated ME into my sessions with clients, we have gone to deeper, more sacred spaces and opened up the opportunity for them to experience profound shifts in their lives, as well.

Best Night Out: Winter Solstice Party
A potluck party with lots of like-minded friends, including my dharma buddy, who was new to this circle of friends. A small circle gathered in one corner, chatting and laughing, and then the question was asked: “who are you? not your labels and roles, but who are you really?“  The love and beauty and reverence in the circle deepened as each person answered the question, in turn.  I had a familiar sense of connection  – a knowing that we have all been together before, many times, in many lifetimes, and this is a reunion of souls. 

Who am I?  I am a holder of sacred space.  I am here to awaken mySelf and others to our sacred bodies.

I mentioned a couple weeks ago about the whole idea of shadow work showing up for me recently.  It’s a bit annoying, really.  I don’t feel that drawn to it, and still, it shows up.  And some really smart people advocate doing it on a regular basis.  It’s the fourth module of practices (in addition to Body, Mind and Spirit) in Ken Wilber’s Integral Life Practice.   (Like I said, really smart people!)

It’s not the discomfort of the shadow practice that I’m resisting, I don’t think.  There’s something about even giving validity to the thoughts and beliefs; there’s something about putting any attention on the old story that just bores me.  In one shadow exercise this week, I come up with an awareness that a part of me feels that if I show up as who I really am, I risk disapproval, or worse maybe: abandonment.  oh, blah, blah, blah… 

Really.  What has all the understanding, processing, rebirthing, therapy, coaching, personal growth work done to shift that?  Not a lot. 

I recently heard a recording of Marianne Williamson reading the famous passage from A Return to Love:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Stop. 
Don’t just scan over those familiar words. 
Stop and read them. 
Take them in.

Powerful     
        beyond      
                 measure. 

What does it mean to step into that?  To not attempt to shift what’s lurking in the shadows?  To  just turn on the Light.

Whether the question is about people I most admire, or people who have made a huge impact in my life, one of the women at the top of my list is Angeles Arrien.  I had the good fortune to participate in a Four-Fold Way Foundation program several years ago.  In addition to the immediate transformative experience, I continued to listen to the audio-tapes and review my notes for many months afterwards, continuing to integrate the depth and richness of all that she offered.

One of the principles she gave to us was this:  if something comes across your path once, you can take it or leave it.  If the same thing comes up again in a short period of time, you might want to pay attention.  If it comes to you a third time, ignore it at your peril.

And so it was last week, when the idea of shadow-work came up three times in five days.  Whether we call it a gremlin, saboteur, inner critic  or liar, it is the voice of resistance.  That part of me that just thinks it would be safer, easier, less trouble to spend time playing Farmville  on Facebook than to be creative.  That part of me that is caught up with the day-to-day to-do’s at the cost of engaging in authentic generative action.

The people who have been following my blog for awhile know that my posting has been somewhat sporadic.  To be honest, I’ve struggled with it.  Knowing that I should post more, even having good ideas about what to post, but when I sat down to actually write, being gripped by these gremlins that want every post to be brilliant or profound or pithy.   I planned series, I put them in my calendar, I set up accountabilities and still, weeks went by without posting. 

Several years ago, I participated in a firewalk.  We stood waiting for the first person to walk.  I remember approaching the bed of coals, standing inches from the start, the intense heat coming up and experiencing a primal fear.   I backed away, and waited while someone else walked.  It was clear to me that I couldn’t start from the edge of the coals; I had to start from about 10 feet back, focus on where I was going, and just walk.

And so, earlier this week, I made a similar choice with this blog.  Just write.  Post every day for nine days.   The gremlins about the writing are still there, and in some ways, the fear feels just as primal.  And this is me, showing up, walking my talk, taking an authentic action.

If you’re in the Denver area, and shadow work is on your radar, join me at the Red Door Salon on Sunday.

…and you will lose your mind.

Keith Richards

Last night, the TV in the living room spontaeously turned on while I was in another room.  I was on Facebook, so I updated my status, which led to a few different stories of the cause.

• Seasonal – I have a ghost.
• Pragmatic – something has gone awry with the remote control – may need new batteries.
• Mystical – the Universe is sending me a message.  What was on the TV when it turned on?  (NCIS)

I choose “mystical” as the one with the most entertainment value.  After some bantering, what popped was Jethro Gibbs’ trademark “slap upside the head” – the Universe lovingly and, with amusement, calling me forth.  The whole event reminded me to bring more awareness to what’s coming in peripherally.

This morning when I turned on the weather channel to check the weather, the background music for “Local on the 8′s” was Ruby Tuesday by the Stones.  Hmmm….

Recently, as part of a course I’m in, I responded to a question about the lifestyle I want to create.   I was somewhat surprised that when I got quiet and approached the question with “beginner’s mind” that what spilled forth was very different from other times that I had answered a similar question.  Instead of the circumstances of my life, it was much more about my attitude.

My life is one of Dreaming, and living into the Dream; of questions and living the questions now.

Abbondanza: the sweet scent of fresh earth and fresh herbs in my garden; the warmth of the summer sun on my skin; the salt spray of the ocean; the verdant, mossy smell of the forests where I grew up, the breath-taking mountains framed by an amazing Colorado blue sky on my commute, the luxuriating of being alive in a body and savoring this moment…. and this one …. and this one.

Femme Vitale: imbued with vitality that stems from the fully-embodied partipation in the magickal, creative process; with the exhilaration that accompanies the exploration of uncharted territories of the Spirit; so full of the wonder of it, the enthusiasm for life that I feel I could burst! YES!!!

Zola: and from all of that, taking it out into the world, moving from within, allowing the urges to call me forward. Inspired to connect, to love, to share… the flow of a life lived out loud…

… and ebb. Staying true to what Nourishes and Delights in the places I live, the people I share my life with, and what I create in the world.