something within seeking expression

I’ve been on the “integral fringe” for a few years, intrigued when I read Integral Spirituality.  I am both attracted by and resistant to an Integral Life Practice: a structure that I imagine would help me to be more effective, productive, and organized. 

So it was a little surprising to me that when the opportunity of this five-day intensive called Integral Incubator, my instant response was  the Yes! I’ve learned to trust. 

With words like “intensive” and “boot-camp”, I was a little apprehensive.  And at the same time, willing to look closely at which comfort zones and knee-jerk responses are no longer serving. 

I sometimes get “prickly” when talking about it, especially if I’m picking up a “I have lots of expertise in this area, and I can help you” vibe.  It happened with someone over the lunch hour.  I noticed it and named it, giving us an opportunity to take the conversation to a different place, seeking the common ground.

An intention arising from that interaction, is to learn tobe in these conversations as a flexible, fluid, dance instead of from a prickly, defensive stance.

It’s the next step forward in launching the Authentic Body Project as something more than this sometimes blog, something more than just my personal process.

When I first read Matrix Energetics, I was intrigued by the idea of morphic fields, and how we interact with them in a way that shapes us, and we strengthen them.  In particular, I recognized that there is a strong morphic field around how we are with food, weight and body image in this culture.  The thoughts, beliefs and constructs about what we should and shouldn’t eat, how we should move, the standards of beauty are all a part of, and supported by the energy we add to the morphic field on a daily basis.

Really, what’s exciting to me is the idea that by being aware of all that, and shifting just a little, we can re-shape the morphic field and change the culture.  Like a monkey inspired to wash a sweet potato on a remote island in the South Pacific. So, one of my intentions in changing the structures around food for a few days is to become aware of the thoughts, reactions, and beliefs that result from being outside my comfort zone.

“The Last Supper” is one of the games people play when engaging in the binge/deprivation cycle that is yo-yo dieting.  It’s the last indulgent eating before the pattern of denial starts, the feast before the famine.  As I’ve noticed experiencing hunger more frequently in the past few days, I’ve also noticed the part of me that’s afraid of  the hunger to come.  The part of me that wants to avoid discomfort.  The part that wants a big ol’ burger and fries for lunch today.

It brings to mind the stories around set-points and metabolism and what happens in the yo-yo dieting cycle and God knows, I don’t want to reinforce that.  Clever little gremlin.

My “last supper” is really lunch, as dinner the night before is part of the proscribed program.  I have a standing lunch appointment with a group of people, and word is that a local brewpub is on the agenda.  Great burgers and sweet potato fries. Sweet potatoes!  Right there on the menu to remind me what I am about:  inspired by the clarity of my desires to shift my behavior, and by doing so, impact the morphic field. 

Hmm… am I the monkey in this scenario?   What’s your inner monkey noticing today that will allow the morphic field to shift?

Talking on the phone with Dharma Buddy last week prior to his return to Colorado for three and a half weeks, he suggested that we do the Lemonade Master Cleanse.  For those not familiar with this extreme fast/diet, it means consuming nothing but lemonade with cayenne pepper and maple syrup for days on end.  Supposedly very health-enhancing. 

“No frickin’ way!” was my knee-jerk response.  We talked a bit, and I agreed to consider it.

I slept on it, and journaled, and pondered – and, to be honest, recruited evidence from several friends that  I did not want to do this.  The next day as I was getting ready to eat lunch, I noticed that my salad – normally a nourishing delight – was not all that appealing.  It was 11°F and snowing outside, and I wanted something warm and comforting like soup.  I imagined the prospect of only lemonade, and suddenly my salad was much more interesting.  I sent off an email to DB with a counter suggestion. 

Which is how I got myself into this: a seven-day detox starting on Saturday.  Already, I’ve eliminated alcohol and caffeine, and cut down on wheat, dairy and meat – mostly without physical symptoms. 

What has started to show up are some old patterns I thought I had “handled”.  Last night I was hungry later in the evening, and noticed that it felt like more than just physical hunger – there were the added tinges of desperation and craving that I have only experienced when restricting food.  Are there little beasties in my GI system that are not getting fed the way they are used to?

I declared up front that this is not about weight loss for me; it’s about exploring what my attachments and assumptions are, to be curious and fascinated by what shows up, to try out a different way of eating. 

And already, this morning, I woke up unusually hungry. My impulse was to jump on the scale, and I noticed that the number wasn’t particularly satisfying.  Noticing the patterns of thoughts and beliefs and responses.  I could commit to not weighing myself, and that feels like a closing down, when what I’m wanting now is to open to it all, to experience it all, and be curious and fascinated by it all.

Best Trip: San Diego
Any trip to the ocean is a treat for me; add in a great group rate at the Hotel del Coronado,  a Matrix Energetics Whizards Workshop and three days of  “beach, eat, sleep, repeat…”  punctuated by the occasional mojito and I had all the ingredients of the holiday I had been yearning for.   Something alchemical happened; a subtle shift that I really only noticed in retrospect as I returned home and found myself inspired to actions that continue to surprise me.

Best Book: The Physics of Miracles: Tapping in to the Field of Consciousness Potential
I may have fallen down the rabbit hole, but man, is it fun!  I read Matrix Energetics a couple years ago and recognized that there was something in this “consciousness technology” that resonated strongly with me.  Dr. Richard Bartlett’s latest book, The Physics of Miracles, has helped me to open up my vision, my expansion, my manifestations personally and professionally.   As I’ve been learning the “not-doing” of Matrix Energetics, I’ve seen profound shifts in what I’m allowing and creating in my own life.  As I’ve integrated ME into my sessions with clients, we have gone to deeper, more sacred spaces and opened up the opportunity for them to experience profound shifts in their lives, as well.

Best Night Out: Winter Solstice Party
A potluck party with lots of like-minded friends, including my dharma buddy, who was new to this circle of friends. A small circle gathered in one corner, chatting and laughing, and then the question was asked: “who are you? not your labels and roles, but who are you really?“  The love and beauty and reverence in the circle deepened as each person answered the question, in turn.  I had a familiar sense of connection  – a knowing that we have all been together before, many times, in many lifetimes, and this is a reunion of souls. 

Who am I?  I am a holder of sacred space.  I am here to awaken mySelf and others to our sacred bodies.

A dharma buddy re-entered my life a few weeks ago, and I was swept into a vortex of intense opening, unfolding, and practicing presense.  It was as exhilarating as any other period in my life when I felt like the paradigms were shifting so fast I could hardly keep up with them.  Layers of old story were shed like a snake shedding a skin to allow for new growth.

So DB and I were having breakfast on Sunday before we went in different directions to spend the holidays with family.  And I was relating a practice that I learned from Angeles Arrien.  The period of December 21st-January 20th is a microcosm of the year to come;  how we are during this month can set the tone for the next eleven. 

Impulses followed, connections made, actions taken in this period last year completely shaped this past year.   It has been a time of letting go of what other people’s advice about the way to make “it” happen (whether the “it” is about losing weight, or body acceptance, or building my coaching practice or writing a blog) and relying more and more upon my own intuitive guidance, and inspiration.

At the conclusion of the breakfast conversation, DB and I encouraged each other to “go for it, buddy!” during the next month.  (Interestingly enough, the snake sheds it’s skin about once a month).  I am left with the inquiry of what “going for it” means in this relatively new perspective of allowing.  And what is the skin that wants shedding next?

 Fortunately, I found this in my inbox:

How to Survive a Bad Day
by Christine Kane

 
Let’s face it. No matter how much progress we make, we’re still going to have “bad days.”

You know the ones. When the old critical voices are milling about drinking martinis and eating crab puffs in your head. You try to send them all away with your favorite powerful affirmation, but only a few of them even look up – and one of them turns away and lights a cigarette.

What do you do when no matter what you do, you just feel awful?

Very few success-gurus talk about the bad day, or even the process of following your dreams and the persistence it takes to shift old patterns.
Truth is, sometimes it helps to hear someone be honest about this stuff. Not so that you can indulge in self-pity about how hard you have it. But so that when the bad day strikes, you have some leverage.

So, how do you survive a bad day? Here’s a few things that might help…

WHAT TO REMEMBER:

1 - The voices do not tell the truth.
They’re just your old voices coming up to feed. Do not feed them. This is what makes them stay. Even if you’re already hooked in, the best way to begin the unhooking is to rest, or to be very kind to you.

2 – This is not who you are.
The voices like to tell you that this depressed person is who you really are and that the rest of the world doesn’t have these same flaws. Not true. This is just a temporary set back. That’s all.

3 – Mochaccinos don’t take the voices away. It just makes them go faster.
Bad Days are not a call to rush out to Starbucks, hoping that if you move faster, it will all go away. If there’s any action that needs to be taken now, it’s probably a nap.

4 – You don’t have to be productive today.
It’s okay to put down your goals and to-dos for one day. You can return to them tomorrow. Today, make it your goal to just get through the day being kind to yourself. Think of it as a sick day. Maybe there’s no PROOF – like a fever. But your insides are sick. Let them heal.

5 – Everything seems worse when you’re tired or hungry.
Eat something yummy. Take a nap. Or go somewhere and sit quietly.

WHAT TO DO:

1 – Stop feeling bad about feeling bad.
If it helps, make today a container. Know that you’re allowed to have this stuff and that nothing horrid is going to happen with this one day of getting thrown off.

2 – Make no decisions.
The late Richard Carlson, author and psychologist, gave this great advice: “Never make decisions when you’re in a low mood.” His belief was that low moods are a natural occurrence and that any low-mood decisions are typically not healthy. Put off all decisions when you’re having a bad day.

3 – Don’t read fashion magazines. Or the news.
4 – Take a 20 minute walk.
Bring a gentle affirmation along with you. On days like this you don’t want to say, “I am master of the universe!!!” On days like this you want to say, “I am loved. I am safe.”
5 – Don’t try to fix yourself today.
No need to rush to the Self-Help section at Borders. Maybe steps you can take toward being healthier in the big picture, but not today. Today, let yourself stop.

6 – Lower your standards.
If you get out of bed, or eat a good healthy meal, be proud. Tomorrow you can have your old high standards back and be productive and evolved and all that. Not today.

7 – Say NO to anything if it’s motivated by the word “should.”
This is a good rule to follow on good days too!

8 – Ask yourself what you feel like doing.
Sometimes the answer to this can be surprising. Maybe you’ll want to begin a fiction audiobook and clean your closet! Maybe you’ll just want a nap.

9 - Don’t do anything destructive.
Don’t overdose on sugar or indulge in alcohol. Don’t call anyone who drains you. It will not make this better.

WHAT TO BE:

Be very, very kind to yourself.

Be the way you would be with someone who is sad or hurting or scared. Because today, you are.

WHAT TO KNOW:

That the victory is not about not having bad days anymore. The victory is that you can get back up after having one.
 

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE?
Please do! Just be sure to include this complete blurb with it:
Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

I mentioned a couple weeks ago about the whole idea of shadow work showing up for me recently.  It’s a bit annoying, really.  I don’t feel that drawn to it, and still, it shows up.  And some really smart people advocate doing it on a regular basis.  It’s the fourth module of practices (in addition to Body, Mind and Spirit) in Ken Wilber’s Integral Life Practice.   (Like I said, really smart people!)

It’s not the discomfort of the shadow practice that I’m resisting, I don’t think.  There’s something about even giving validity to the thoughts and beliefs; there’s something about putting any attention on the old story that just bores me.  In one shadow exercise this week, I come up with an awareness that a part of me feels that if I show up as who I really am, I risk disapproval, or worse maybe: abandonment.  oh, blah, blah, blah… 

Really.  What has all the understanding, processing, rebirthing, therapy, coaching, personal growth work done to shift that?  Not a lot. 

I recently heard a recording of Marianne Williamson reading the famous passage from A Return to Love:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Stop. 
Don’t just scan over those familiar words. 
Stop and read them. 
Take them in.

Powerful     
        beyond      
                 measure. 

What does it mean to step into that?  To not attempt to shift what’s lurking in the shadows?  To  just turn on the Light.

I was ten years old the first time I heard fat talk from “friends” – one of them my “best friend” — on the playground at school.  And not long after that I went on my first diet.  It was a defining moment.  As long as I let it be. 

Sometimes I have a hard time describing what the Authentic Body Project is about.  Until I see a video like this.  This, this is what it’s about.  It’s about not letting the fat talk we’ve heard, the fat talk we’ve internalized, define us, stop us, hold us back.

It’s about recognizing that I can protest about the ubiquitous photoshopping of every image I see, complaining about those people, and how they are the problem, or I can start right here, right now with the woman sitting in my chair.   Taking it to a new level of awareness, being more present to the self-talk, and in so doing, shift it and shift the way I define myself.

The last component of my space clearing process is adapted from the Clearing Your Clutter for Clarity process in Ask and It Is Given. In this process, you start out with a bunch of boxes (20 banker’s boxes is a good start, they say) and as you pick up something you’re not sure what to do with, you put it in a box. There’s a whole cataloging process in the book, which was a bit much for me. The idea is that you store the boxes neatly for a year or so. If you need something from a box, you know which one it is in and you retrieve it from the box. At the end of the year, you can give everything still in boxes away because you haven’t needed it for that year.

I think I’m doing a pretty good job of giving away and throwing away – several boxes went to a rummage sale for a co-worker’s child’s school, and ARC came to pick up a second load last week. And I’ve considered getting a larger recycle bin from my disposal company. Most of my stuff going in boxes is either stuff that goes in an area that hasn’t been cleared yet, or projects that I want to get to. I’m doing a major sort as it goes into boxes (e.g. a set of boxes has fiber art stuff in it, another set has stuff from the office). My intention is that once I’ve gone through each area of the house and have cleared it, and organized it, I can tackle those boxes one at a time.

One of the real advantages about this strategy is that when I hit a point of overwhelm (and I did, especially when I first started on the unfinished basement space), I could calm myself by saying, “I only need to deal with 27 things today: give-away, throw-away, or into a box.” I could stay with the overwhelm that long, and then go relax, knowing that it’s been there for months and it’s not going anywhere.

I loved being able to take all the stacks of papers off my desk in about five minutes and put them into a box. And they provided a nice project while I watched the NY Jets lose to Miami on Monday night and spoil my prospects of winning the football pool at work.

Friday night,  I brought this pot and a pot of mint in ahead of the hard freeze, and noticed this little tendril of lemon balm escaping from a drainage hole in the bottom of the pot.

It tickles me to see this sprig finding anyway it can to grow towared the light, to grow with such determination toward that which will nourish it.  It reminds of the lines from The Summer Day by Mary Oliver:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

With your one wild and precious life?